Self-empathy

Self-empathy is a way to examine our feelings and needs around an issue or situation.

Observations
- In objective terms that everyone can agree on, what happened?
- What are my thoughts and judgments about the situation?
Feelings
- What are the emotions and body sensations I’m experiencing right now?
Needs
- What needs do I have connected to these feelings?
  - “I might be feeling scared because my need for safety is unmet.”
  - “I might be feeling frustrated because my need for cooperation is unmet.”
  - “I might be feeling nervous because my needs for clarity and predictability are unmet.”
Requests
- What request can I make of myself that might meet some of those needs?

Quick self-empathy

Quick self-empathy is a tool we can use when we’re too triggered to focus on self-empathy.

We tend to focus on the conflict itself when we’re in conflict. We can shift our mind’s focus away from the conflict by identifying the unmet need that is alive in us and then mentally repeating the phrase:

I love it when I have [insert need].

For example, in a situation where someone used harsh or unkind words:

I love it when I have kindness.
I love it when I have kindness.
I love it when I have kindness.
…

As we repeat the phrase mentally, our minds will naturally begin to recall times in our past when we had met that need and the strategies we used.

As focus shifts to these memories, the mind will shift away from the conflict and toward meeting the needs underlying the feelings.